KALAU TIPU KENA LEMPANG!!!

Posted by Lieza Sakura | 10:50 PM

Mizan merupakan seorang saintis yang sangat terkenal kerana berjaya mencipta sebuah robot yang mampu mengesan sebarang bentuk "pembohongan". Oleh kerana kejayaannya itu, di telah dianugerahkan dengan gelaran Professor Mizan. Robot ciptaannya itu sangat "terer" dalam mengesan pembohongan dan robot tersebut turut memiliki kelengkapan khas di mana apabila ia mengesan pembohongan dilakukan, secara automatik ia akan menampar si pembohong itu.

Kemudian, Leman dengan bangganya membawa pulang robot tersebut ke rumah dan meletakkannya di ruang tamu sambil menunggu anaknya Akram pulang.

Mizan : Kamu dari mana?
Akram : Dari kelas tambahan ayah

*PLANG* Robot tersebut menampar anaknya.

Mizan : Nak,ini adalah robot ciptaan ayah, dia akan menampar sesiapa yang berbohong! Sekarang katakan dengan jujur, kenapa kamu pulang lewat??!
Akram : Maaf ayah… saya baru habis menonton movie di rumah kawan…
Mizan : Cerita apa?
Akram : Cerita Papadom ayah

*PLANG* Robot tersebut menampar anaknya sekali lagi.

Mizan : Katakan dengan jujur cerita apa?!
Akram : Maaf ayah… saya tengok cerita lucah

Mendengarkan itu marahlah Mizan.

Mizan : Kamu nie… kecil-kecil dah nakal… kamu nak jadi apa bila besar nanti?! Malukan ayah saja perbuatan kamu nie. Masa ayah kecil dulu , ayah tak pernah pun buat macam nie.

*PLANG* Mizan ditampar oleh robotnya. Suasana hening untuk beberapa ketika...

Isteri Mizan iaitu Tipah kemudiannya masuk ke ruang tamu dan langsung berkata…

Tipah : Huh, sama saja kelakuannya, ke mana akan tumpahnya kuah kalau tak ke nasi? Bagaimana pun sememangnya dia anak awak…

*PLANG* Robot menampar isteri Mizan sebelum isterinya sempat menyelesaikan kata-katanya…
dan semua terdiam…

TEKA TEKI

Posted by Lieza Sakura | 5:41 AM

Apa beza daun betik ngan tangan perempuan?
Daun betik boleh melembutkan daging yang keras, tangan perempuan dapat mengeraskan daging yang lembut.

Haiwan apakah yang pertama sampai ke bulan?
Burung punai (Neil Armstrong punya)

Apa beza tayar kereta dengan kondom?
Tayar kereta kalau bocor boleh menghilangkan nyawa,
kondom plak kalau bocor boleh menambahkan nyawa.

Apa yang mahal pada BMW?
> Huruf W. Cuba tukarkan W ngan X. Jadi BMX. Kan murah tu...

Rumah apakah yang gunakan banyak air?
> Rumah terbakar

Hitam, panjang, dipeluk dan diapit dua paha.
> Orang sedang panjat tiang talipon.

Ubat apa yang tak ada kesan sampingan (side effect)?
> Viagra dan Krim membesarkan payudara. Kesan dia ke depan, bukan ke samping.

Waktu dia hidup orang menyanyi, bila dia mati orang bertepuk tangan. Apa dia?
> Lilin kek harijadi.

Bibir bertemu bibir. Tangan asyik meraba lubang. Mata terpejam menikmatinya.
> Orang sedang meniup seruling.

Apa nama sudirman masa kecil?
> Sudirboy.

JAPAN FUTURISTIC HOTEL

Posted by Lieza Sakura | 5:26 AM

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ..

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
Out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit......which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

ipod...

Posted by Lieza Sakura | 2:10 AM

Faiz sedang enak menjamu selera di KFC... tiba-tiba...dia rasa nak buang angin..nak kentut kat luar tak sempat. tiba-tiba Faiz dapat satu idea. Dalam restoran KFC tu, ada pasang lagu n bunyinya agak kuat.

Faiz pun melepaskan kentutnya mengikut irama lagu didalam KFC tu...bila dah habis kentut, dia perasan semua orang dalam KFC tu tengok dia...baru dia ingat...dia pakai ipod...bermakna......dia sorang je la yang dengar lagu tu n semua orang dalam KFC tu dengar dia kentut mengikut rentak lagu....

Faiz berasa malu lalu terus keluar dari KFC tanpa sempat membasuh tangannya...

ah beng and his wife

Posted by Lieza Sakura | 3:44 AM

Ah Beng was at home watching a football game when his wife
Ah Lian
interrupted,
"Sayang, can you fix the light in the porch?
It's been blown for a week
now."

He looked at her and said angrily,
"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like
I have a Philips logo printed on my forehead?".

"If not, can you you fix the fridge door? It won't close tightly."
To which Ah Beng replied,
"Fix the fridge door?Does it look like I have Mitsubishi written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"OK",she said,
"Then can you at least fix our bedroom curtains?They're about to fall ".
"I'm not an upholstery man and I don't wantto fix the curtains,", he
said.
"Do I have Ikea written on my forehead?Definitely not".

Ah Beng continued .... "I've had enough of you.I'm going out for a drink!"

So he went to a pub nearby, and stayed there for several hours.Later, he
began to feel guilty about how he had treated his wife, and decided to go home and help out.

As he walked towards his house, he noticed the light in the porch was already changed.As he entered the kitchen, he noticed the fridge
door was fixed.By the time he got into the bedroom, he realised the
curtains were hangingproperly.

"Sayang, how did all these get fixed?"

Ah Lian boldly said,
"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him everything.He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either bake him a cake, or have sex with him."

Ah Beng then eagerly asked, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

And grasping the very moment she had, Ah Lian sharply snapped back,
"Hellooooo ... Do you see SECRET RECIPE written on my forehead ?"

outstation

Posted by Lieza Sakura | 3:04 AM

Boss berkata kepada Secretary : Kita akan outstation selama seminggu, jadi aturkan segalanya.

Secretary menelefon Suaminya : Untuk seminggu boss saya dan saya akan outstation, awak pandai2 jaga diri nanti¡­

Suami menelefon Buah Hatinya : Isteri saya akan outstation selama seminggu, jadi mari kita habiskan masa bersama-sama¡­.

Buah Hati menelefon Murid tuisyennya : Saya kene bekerja selama seminggu, jadi awak tak perlu datang untuk tuisyen¡­

Murid tuisyen tersebut menelefon Atuknya : Atuk, untuk seminggu saya takde kelas sebab cikgu saya sibuk. Mari kita habiskan masa bersama¡­

Atuk (Boss) menelefon Secretary : Minggu ni saya nak abiskan masa bersama cucu saya.. Batalkan outstation tuh¡­


Secretary menelefon Suaminya : Minggu ni boss saya ade kerja, kami dah membatalkan outstation tu¡­

Suami menelefon Buah Hatinya : Kita tak dapat nak habiskan masa bersama untuk minggu ni, isteri saya dah membatalkan outstationnya. .

Buah Hati menelefon Murid Tuisyennya : Minggu ni kelas tuisyen mcm biase.

Murid Tuisyen menelefon Atuknya : Atuk, cikgu saya cakap minggu ni saya kene pergi kelas tuisyen. Sori, saya tak bleh temankan atuk.

Atuk(Boss) menelefon Secretary : Jangan risau, minggu ni kita outstation. Jadi uruskan semuanya..