A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ..

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
Out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit......which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

Ah Beng was at home watching a football game when his wife
Ah Lian
interrupted,
"Sayang, can you fix the light in the porch?
It's been blown for a week
now."

He looked at her and said angrily,
"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like
I have a Philips logo printed on my forehead?".

"If not, can you you fix the fridge door? It won't close tightly."
To which Ah Beng replied,
"Fix the fridge door?Does it look like I have Mitsubishi written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"OK",she said,
"Then can you at least fix our bedroom curtains?They're about to fall ".
"I'm not an upholstery man and I don't wantto fix the curtains,", he
said.
"Do I have Ikea written on my forehead?Definitely not".

Ah Beng continued .... "I've had enough of you.I'm going out for a drink!"

So he went to a pub nearby, and stayed there for several hours.Later, he
began to feel guilty about how he had treated his wife, and decided to go home and help out.

As he walked towards his house, he noticed the light in the porch was already changed.As he entered the kitchen, he noticed the fridge
door was fixed.By the time he got into the bedroom, he realised the
curtains were hangingproperly.

"Sayang, how did all these get fixed?"

Ah Lian boldly said,
"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him everything.He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either bake him a cake, or have sex with him."

Ah Beng then eagerly asked, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

And grasping the very moment she had, Ah Lian sharply snapped back,
"Hellooooo ... Do you see SECRET RECIPE written on my forehead ?"

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.
They had the following conversation:
Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.
Woman: Ok.
Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.
Woman: Ok.
Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me
what's wrong with me Dr.?
Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.

Lesson 1

A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a
week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I
will swing by the house to pick my things up'
' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,
did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'

You'll love the answer....

The wife replied, ' I did. They're in your fishing box ...'


Lesson 2
A Mom went to visit her son Kumar for dinner and found that Kumar had a
girl by the name of Sunita for a housemate...

During the course of dinner, Kumar's mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty Kumar's housemate was and the mother was suspicious of a possible
relationship between the two...

Over the course of the evening while watching Kumar and Sunita interacted,
the mother started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his
housemate than met the eyes and this made the mother even more curious..

Reading his mother's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking but I assure you, Sunita and I are just housemates".

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner that night, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said," Well, I doubt it but I'll
email her just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote to his mother :

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house. I'm not
saying that you did not take the silver plate ....But the fact remains that

it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner ...


Love,
Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you
do not sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the
pillow..

Love,
Mom

Lesson to be learnt :
Don't Lie To Your Mother
She's Smarter Than You Think She Is ....

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

#1
Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .

#2

Sardar was fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

#3
Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

#4

Sardarjoined a new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

#5
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue you've broken.
Sardar: Thank God! I thought it was a new one.

#6
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

#7
Sardar: You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you..
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '

#8
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

#9
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was the same king's skeleton when he was a child.

3 ladies were on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that therewas a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.

AChinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to dollherself up. A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions.

The Chinese lady replied that if she looked beautiful, the guyscoming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first.

On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewelleries.

An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.

The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.

Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off. Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her. The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the "Black Box" first!

A 60 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON : "One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

1) MR. BEAN SEES A DOCTOR :
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just
twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!

5) MARRIAGE:
Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend : Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend : What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend : condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend : what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague : Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

9) SPELLING LESSON:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful.. ..is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean : Make it three c to be sure!

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now,
Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Manager: Sorry, but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You
see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New
Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
~~~~~~
Customer :Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter lease sit down sir, we serve everyone.
~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiteran't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer:No, I can't.
Waiter:Then does it really matter?
~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter:That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.
~~~~~~
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
~~~~~~~
Customer :Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
~~~~~~~~
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, itsso late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, butthey were closed.. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. Isaw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thingled to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered withpowder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"